Ten Years Ago I Did Not Want to Go to Heaven

It is unbelievable to me that my high school graduation was fifteen years ago, my college graduation eleven years ago, and my wedding day nine years ago, which means that the gospel came alive to me ten years ago at our first marriage prep session! Looking back, these events seem like yesterday and yet, a lifetime ago. I can't explain that sentence, because I don't entirely understand it myself, but time has that paradox effect on me. (Which I wrote about a month ago already: In One Years Time, which also doesn't seem possible!)

It was this morning as I pondered this prayer in my devotions written by John Piper that I began to reflect on the fact that ten years ago I said with my mouth that I believed in God but my heart, my mind, my very life was held captive by the world. And I did not want anything to do with God's lifestyle and the idea of heaven more than perplexed me, it disgusted me. Before I go into detail about that, listen to this prayer,

"Come, soul, look at the greatness and goodness of God. Join my mouth, and let us bless the Lord with our whole being."

Today, my thought after reading this prayer was, yes! I get to do this for all eternity without doubt interfering, without prideful thoughts interrupting, without my ugly heart getting in the way. I am completely and utterly uninhibited in heaven to look at the greatness of God and with my mouth praise and bless and sing and shout and I cannot wait! Until that glorious day, YES, soul, look at the greatness and goodness of God. Join my mouth, and let us bless the Lord with our whole being! Lord, give me the heart and mind to do this now and for all eternity.

Ten years ago, that very prayer would have bored me to death. Spend an eternity praising God?! No thank you. I'd rather have this life on this earth.

Ten years ago I did not understand why God was worthy of praise.
Ten years ago I did not know the attributes of God and how I'll spend an eternity learning about who He is, and surely did not know that an eternity is not long enough!
Ten years ago I did not know the word sovereignty, nor did I know anything about what, or how much, or when God's sovereign hand was applicable in history, in my present life and time, nor in the future.
Ten years ago I did not understand the holy, holy, holiness of God and my utter depravity before Him.
Ten years ago I did not read my Bible cover to cover.
Ten years ago I did not have a church family, a discipleship relationship, or even a desire to have those things.
Ten years ago I could've cared less what God had to say about my life.
Ten years ago I fought baptism.
Ten years ago I was ashamed of saying the name, "Jesus Christ" out loud - talk about God all you want, but leave Jesus out of it.
Ten years ago I feared death and loathed the worldly view of heaven I conjured up in my mind.

Oh, how much God has changed in me in ten years! And if I'm completely honest, the idea of God's worthiness, His attributes, His sovereignty, His holy, holy, holiness, His Word, His process of discipleship, His church, His way of life, His baptism, His death, burial and resurrection, His heaven are all elementary in my finite mind. I know very little of God, but the more I learn the more His greatness astounds me. The more I learn about Him the more eager I become at seeing Him with my very own eyes! 

For example, just today I read this passage in Ezekiel when he said "the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God," (Ezekiel 1:1)

"And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire; and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance. And upward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were gleaming metal, like the appearance of fire enclosed all around. And downward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and there was brightness around him. Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord." (Ezekiel 1:26-28)

Reading that put an awe in my soul, which answered the prayer from this morning! What an immediate response that also had me in awe! I asked for an opportunity for my soul and my mouth to magnify and bless the greatness of God and He answered that prayer within the hour when I opened my Bible bookmark and read this passage. And I immediately took out my yellow highlighter (yellow = God's attributes or WOW!) and wow'd that passage alllllllll up in yellow highlighter.

Then I found myself praying, GOD! I cannot wait until I get to witness the sight of your glory around your throne with my own eyes.

Ten years ago, that would not have been on my bucket list.

I have a bucket list Pinterest board full of all these beautiful places around the world that I want to visit someday. These pictures fill my soul with longing, eager to see them, and hopeful it will happen someday. Yet, the vision of God on His throne (the most beautiful and awe inspiring vision of greatness we could ever, ever, ever behold) did not have that same effect on me because of my worldly views on it. All I envisioned was an elderly, angry God in the clouds who was going to pounce on me for all my mistakes.

Over the years God has opened my eyes even more to the depth of my sin and my utter need for Him, while also revealing the enormity of His grace, mercy, and total dependency in-through-on Jesus. As I read His Word He opens my eyes to His work and gives my soul a longing to praise Him for it, extol His name and repeat His word. I've learned more about His holiness this year than I ever thought possible. In the last six years I've nearly lost my life to gain an understanding of what it means to lay up heavenly treasures. Last year I lost a friend to gain a heavenly perspective of time, relationships, things, and identity. Since that day the gospel came alive, I've been convicted, humbled, and with all these growing pains comes a new perspective and understanding on the greatness of God. All of which help me understand that it really doesn't matter who or what is in heaven, all that matters is that I'm with Him - my Creator, my Savior, my Light, my Life.

Ten years ago, I would've thought that prayer utter insanity; which leaves me in a state of gratitude for the God of the universe taking hold of my little, itty-bitty, ant-like life and changing me forever - giving me anticipation for the day I finally meet Him face to face. Beholding His glory. In heaven. (eeeeeeeeee!) For all eternity.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

The Illustration I Used to Help My Five-Year-Old Understand Sin

There are some conversations I never want to forget. And after this particularly rough morning, this  God-given illustration is one of them:

Me: "If I didn't discipline you for your sin, I would not be loving on you."
Brielle: "I don't understand that, because it's so hard!"
Me: "I know. But I love you so much I can't stand the idea of sin controlling you like we read in Genesis."
Brielle: "I don't know what that means."
Me: "Do you remember reading that together?"
Brielle: "Yes, but I don't know what that means."
Me: "Okay. Let's read it together again."
Together: "... sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it." Genesis 4:7*

After we read it we talked about the meanings of crouching and desire. To illustrate this idea I used a stuffed animal to pretend it was sin and stuffed it in our front door.

Me: "Let's pretend this stuffed animal is sin. Sin is crouching at our door, what does the Bible say it's wanting to do?"
Brielle: "Devour me."
Me: "Yes, devour you. Do you know what devour means?"
She didn't,
Me: "It means to eat up, so it wants to eat you up. What else does God say about sin?"

(We went back and reread Genesis 4:7, "... but you must rule over it.")

Me: (Then we talked about what it means to rule over something.) "So you need something to defeat it. So what are you going to use?" (So we went and got a weapon. She picked her toy bow and arrow.)
Me: "Okay, so this bow and arrow - if you rule over sin - will defeat it."

So I pretended that the bow and arrow was my tool to defeat sin by I shooting arrows at sin and began to beat it with the bow, which made her laugh until... she noticed that I had the bow and arrow upside down, AND then she was in tears again (insert eye-rolling emoji here).

Me: "Are you in control over your emotions or are you letting your emotions control you?"
Brielle: "I'm letting my emotions control me."
Me: "Do you understand that is sin? Sin wants to control you (I showed her Genesis 4:7 again) and you are letting it control you rather than ruling over it."
Me: "What tools do we have to help us 'rule over it'?"
Brielle: "Take a deep breath and pray?"
Me: "Yes, pray and Who lives inside of you?"
Brielle: "The Holy Spirit?"
Me: "Yes, and what does the Holy Spirit bring to mind?"
Brielle: "Uh, His Word?"
Me: "Yup. Ask the Holy Spirit for help. Those are your tools honey."

She was in deep, deep thought at this point, so I drove the point home.

Me: "Also, do you have the power to rule over sin all by yourself?"
Brielle: "No."
Me: "Nope. Who do you need?"
Brielle: "God."
Me: "Yes, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is the same power that lives in you and is the same power that will help you defeat sin. Most importantly, He always wins!"

(I let this soak in for a little bit, because even though she's heard it a million times I could tell that God was working on this one...)

Me: "... and we have God's Word and God's Word says that we have power over sin because we have who?"
Brielle: "Jesus!"
Me: "Yup. Because Jesus died on the cross for our sin, was buried, and rose again we have the Holy Spirit, who is God, revealing to us His Word and the truth in it. The truth is that we can defeat sin. Do you believe that God has the power to defeat sin?"
Brielle: "Yes."
Me: "Do you believe that God will answer your prayer when you ask for help?"
Brielle: "Yes."

At this point I'm all giddy on the inside because I could tell God was turning on the light bulb!

Me: "So would it be loving for mommy to let you continue in sin and let it conquer you?"
Brielle: a resounding, "NO!"
Me: "Yes! I love you too much to let you continue in sin. My job is to help you and point you back to Jesus, because the reality is that sin is no more powerful than that stuffed animal in relation to Jesus Christ. When we have Jesus we can conquer sin. And when we fail at conquering sin, we still have Jesus."

It was at this point that my five year old took an enormous deep breath, closed her eyes and let out a chuckle as she exhaled. She let it go and let God help her. In her weakness, God was made big and powerful.

And I got goosebumps.

--------------------

There is one more thing I want my children to understand about sin. Sin does not define us. It does not make us who we are. According to the way God talks about sin in Genesis 4:7, it is a separate entity - a noun, a thing - that desires to conquer our soul. But God has given us hope: Himself. Only the God of the universe has the ability to perfectly overcome sin. Since He gave Himself - by dying on the cross for our sin, being buried and defeating death by rising again - those who believe in Him also have the power to defeat sin. That is so relieving knowing that we can't do it apart from Him and that He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Also, how awesome is it, that in our weakness He is glorified! We honor Him when we rely on Him.

Therefore, rely on Him to rule over sin. He will win.

*Different translations: "[Sin is] eager to control you."NLT

Tuesday's Top Ten [The Areas of My Life That Are Hard to Minimize]

I desire to live simply. For a little over a year I've been working toward this goal of minimalism in the things that we own and the unnecessary things that get in the way of my priorities and goals (Reasons I Decided to Pursue Minimalism). Still there are certain areas of my life that are hard to minimize:

1. Books. I love books. I have a "want-to-read" shelf (which is extensive), a children's book shelf in the living room and the playroom (because both our children are book lovers as well, and I want to encourage that), a "resource" book shelf (which is frequently used in our Bible study, educational pursuits, &etc.), a historically valuable pile (For example: I found a grammar and composition lesson book with a copyright date of 1877, but the best part are all the signatures of every student who used it, alongside the date! (!!!!!!) Although it is falling apart, I cannot seem to part with it. I enjoy it immensely.) and finally I have an "I loved these!" shelf (which are often revisited). All of which I have sorted and resorted and finally resigned to putting them back on the shelf. Sure there were some I knew I didn't need. But my donate pile was significantly smaller than my keep pile. In the end, both my husband and I were okay with that. An extensive library is something we both want and use.

Books are a major part of our everyday life. They are always out, being read and reread, enjoyed and loved. It's hard to minimize that.

2. Dresses. I'm a sucker for any style resembling the 20's, 40's and 50's. When I find a dress - oh man - I have a hard time saying no. These day's, however, I'm finding more satisfaction in what I have, and not searching for any more. That's huge considering where I was two year ago before this minimalist mindset was established in my life! Still, I don't want to part with what I have and I have quite a bit! If I had to, I wouldn't hesitate (it's just a dress), but I enjoy them and like how they look on me. For now there is no reason to part with them.

3. Craft supplies. I purged my craft supplies when this all began and there were a few items I regretted getting rid of when I picked up Rebecca's Recycled Readers business where I take old books doomed for the trash and recycle them on donated or tossed items I find in secondhand stores. I enjoy seeing the potential in something and then making it happen! Unfortunately, my craft supplies are growing instead of diminishing... but they will be used and hopefully turned around for profit!

4. School supplies. As a homeschooling mom there are items I just cannot purge for the sake of my children's education.

5. Art supplies. My girls love, love, love coloring, creating, crafting (just like their momma) so those things are out and enjoyed every.single.day. multiple times per day.

6. Teaching materials. After five years in the classroom there are a lot of materials I know I'll use again (currently in storage or being used for my mommy-at-home-classroom). And now that I'm pursuing a specialist degree (in order to keep my teaching certificate active) I am adding more materials instead of diminishing them. I also tutor struggling readers and writers so these things are in use quite often.

7. Girl's Toys. I have purged the playroom most often, but I still feel like it's the most overwhelming room in the house (also because it doubles as our classroom). They have dress up clothes like it's going out of style, a tub of Lego's, a giant Barbie Doll house, a giant bouncing horse (thanks to grandma, which they love and ride quite often), a keyboard, and a pretend kitchen (that my grandpa made for me, and is still being used and loved! Seriously, this thing is over 30 years old and still going strong.) These big items make this room seem small. Still, when I went through all their things with them with certain criteria it became hard to eliminate these things they enjoy quite often and that inspire creativity. So my goal changed to: what can I do to help them easily pick up in 20 minutes or less? Anything else overwhelmed them, especially when there were too many places to put all the things they played with; they needed one toy box or an easy, peasy organization system. Thankfully, I think we are there... for now at least.

8. Pictures. I love taking pictures and making family yearbooks, that our children thoroughly enjoy looking at over and over and over again (but we won't talk about how far behind I am). I love hanging pictures all over our house and I enjoy switching them out every once in a while, especially if I have special seasonal pictures.

9. Christmas Ornaments. We have purchased an ornament for our girls every year that reflect what she has most enjoyed that year. It is so much fun to pull out these gifts and remember why we gave them in the first place. This tradition began with my husband when he was a child and has fond memories as he pulls out the ornaments from his childhood and puts them on the tree. Right now we have three tubs of Christmas items, mostly filled with ornaments (aka memories).

10. Old Thankful Journals. (Which double as a prayer journal.) This discipline has been part of my life for many, many years and I've written about them many, many times:

• Be Thankful in All Circumstances
• Tuesday's Top Ten [Thankful Journal]
• One of THOSE Days
• &etc.

It's in these journals that I see two things: my growth and God at work. I enjoy dusting them off and remember prayers God has answered, things He gave and took away, and how He changed us day to day. That is indispensable. 

Despite any difficulty I have for purging these items, I am not attached to any of them. If God called us to sell everything and move to a country where the gospel has not been heard, well, I wouldn't hesitate in following through with that calling. For now, I don't believe that is where God is leading us, so for now I'm going to thoroughly enjoy what He has given us to enjoy - for His glory - thanking Him for His provision in the things that we need and the things that we have the privilege to enjoy during the short time we are on this earth. Since we can't take any of it with us, I'm going to be thankful for these areas of my life that are hard to minimize. 

My Martha Week

I truly believe that our service to others reveals what we know and believe about Jesus. Jesus lived to serve. This is a prevalent truth throughout the gospels, especially Mark where the theme is: Jesus as a servant. There are so many examples of His service that we could be here all day, so let's just narrow in on a couple:

Jesus took the form of a servant and washed His disciples feet, telling them that He just gave them an example of how to live,

"Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should do just as I have done to you." John 13:12-14

Most importantly, His service to others went so far as dying on the cross,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to served and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

Before this amazing statement He told His disciples that to be great in His world means to be a servant. That to be first is to put yourself last; He went as far as using the word slave. (Mark 10:43-44) If we - like His disciples - call ourselves a follower of Jesus Christ, how we live our life is evidence of our belief in Him. The more we know Jesus, the more we should desire to be Christ-like, and that means to take up our cross, deny self, and serve - putting self last.

So how does this correlate with the story of Martha in Luke 10:38-42?

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

Martha was rebuked for her service. Why? When we are called to be servants, why was she reprimanded? Especially when, at this time a woman would not have been allowed to join the men in listening to a Teacher teach. Consider Martha's heart: Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things. Serving in this instance gave her anxiety that troubled her soul. Her priorities were all out of whack. Jesus was teaching! This is an opportunity Mary knew not to miss. Martha, just stop and listen. And then you'll be better at serving because your heart - your motives - will be in the right place and your priorities in the right order.

What does this have to do with my week?
I had a Martha week. My priorities were all out of whack. I filled up my schedule with serving others (which is not a bad thing) but I did it at the expense of time in the Bible, at the expense of my husband, my children, and our home. Those things that should be a priority, were pushed away as I filled up my days running around becoming anxious and troubled about the lack of time in Scripture, the lack of time spent serving my husband, and the time spent with my children, but not really with them. So all those things that I did were worth nothing, I might as well throw them away. Why?

My heart was not in the right place.

Since my reward is in heaven, and God judges the secrets of the heart, those works were worthless in light of eternity.

I learned so much because of that week, where I accidentally double booked two days because of my lack of attention to details, which caused me to go back and cancel or reschedule with many people. My selfishness didn't just affect me, it affected many, many others - most importantly it was a reflection of my true priorities.

When God is #1, the rest miraculously falls into place, especially service to others.

God has called Christians to serve. Serve your family. Serve each other. Serve those in need. Serve for the glory of God. To see serving as a calling - the last "step" of discipleship that reveals what Jesus did is what we - as His followers - must also do. We disciple others. We seek Jesus, follow Jesus, serve like Jesus. In the span of eternity, a couple hours per week to serve others is nothing, a few hours a month is nothing - and I highly encourage you to find a way to serve others, just not for the sake of your priorities. See serving in the light of eternity - not just to glorify the One who served us, but to bless others, and reveal that what we believe about His service is true. A truth planted down deep in our heart. 

I know it's hard to find time for a few hours when our lives are crazy, but if it's too crazy to dedicate say just two hours of service to others, is it too crazy? Just don't become a Martha, so caught up in serving that you miss the point: Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. And let the rest fall into it's proper place.