Monday, January 14, 2013

My Nightmares

It’s after work and I close my door, almost tripping as I’m climb into bed, I’m so tired.
It’s warm outside, but I put a blanket on anyway.
It’s a security thing.
It doesn’t take long to fall asleep and I’m in a state of nothingness when I hear it.
It’s the door.
It opened, I swear it.
It may be my nightmares so I try to drag myself from my sleepy, stupid slumber.
But I decide against it and tell myself I’m dreaming.
It’s so easy to fall back into zzzz’s and I relax until,
I hear it…
It’s footsteps, slowly, creaking… I can almost see the intruder, everything but his face.
It’s almost as if he’s smiling, knowing I’m home alone.
“It’s just a dream,” I scream inside my head, like I actually believe me, but…
It’s getting closer.
It’s the footsteps I hear, softly at first, growing louder as the intruder makes his way down the hallway.
It’s almost like he smells my fear and mocks me as he stands at the doorway, forever.
“IT’S JUST A NIGHTMARE,” I try to whisper out loud, shrieking inside my head, until…
It’s the doorknob… turning, slowly turning, I don’t open my eyes, but I hear it’s sound.
It’s… it’s, unmistakable.
It clicks about mid-turn. Every time.
“It’s not a nightmare this time,” I try and breath so I reach for my knife, but in my sleepy stupor I can’t grasp it, I can’t even lift it, which only adds to my fear.
It’s hot outside, but I’m shaking, my teeth clattering, shivering, and sweating all at once.
It’s fear. He knows it. I know it and I try to hide it, to pretend it isn’t happening.
It’s just the stuff of my nightmares, it’s just a nightmare, it’s just my nightmares...

I’ve dreamed this dream a thousand times. I can never wake myself up, but I think I do.

I’m REMming and think I’m out of bed, walking, trying to shut and lock my door, but I can’t push it. So then I know I’m still asleep. Once that realization hits me, I’m immediately back in bed. So it starts over. I try to wake myself up. Walk. Shut my door, grab a knife, hit the lock, only these tasks are impossible. Once that happens, I know I’m sleeping. Bam! I’m back in bed, so I focus on trying to WAKE UP. It’s exhausting. I hate it so much. I’m so sick of being tired and so sick of being afraid to close my eyes.

I’ve always had weird dreams. As a kid my dad said I had night terrors where I’d wake up, point to the same corner, and scream, “Don’t you see it daddy?” Thank God, I don’t remember what I was trying to get him to see.

Eventually it evolved to me sleep walking, but the worst of them was my upside-down dreams. Yeah, seriously. Everything was upside-down. After having this dream, I’d open my eyes and everything would still be upside-down. Briefly, but it scared the heck out of me. Scared me so much that I refused to close my eyes again, knowing what would happen if I did.

These dreams continued long into my twenties, when I was living on my own. People told my parents I’d “grow out of it.” I guess I haven’t grown up yet. I had nightmares after watching this stupid movie about a witch who couldn’t survive in the light, so the poor guy bathed his house in it. It was a stupid movie, but I dreamt about it anyway. I even remember having nightmares after watching, “The Legend” with Will Smith. They’re stupid movies. I know that, I tell myself that over and over and over again, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like I’m feeding my nightmares. Why do I do that to myself?

Then I made the biggest mistake. I watched “The Exorcist”.  Dumbest move ever. I had the “all my friends are watching it” mentality. It has forever affected my dreams.

The last movie that affected my dreams the most, which will totally surprise you, was "The Passion". I totally recommend that movie to anyone and everyone, you will not be unaffected, But the part that affected my dreams was the demon children who followed Judas to his hanging himself. Read on and you'll see why....

The movies weren’t the “icing on the cake,” so to speak. It was a break in attempt. It was around and I was on the phone with Kyle, who was my boyfriend at the time, when suddenly my front door slams open. Whoever wanted to get in, tried really hard because it actually bent the screen door when whoever-it-was opened it. Today I thank God for two things: one, I had my pad lock locked and two, my lab, pit bull mix puppy went nuts. Because once she started barking the door knob stopped jiggling and whoever it was ran away. THAT’S when these dreams started.

At first I was trying to wake myself up so I could defend myself against a break in, but eventually it lead to little demons running around my house. I even thought a few times that I was actually being levitated off the bed! The worst part was… I knew I was dreaming, so I’d try to wake myself up, and was never successful unless I got Kyle’s attention. I’d try shrieking his name, hitting him, screaming as loud as I could, but he told me over and over again, after waking me up, that I was just “breathing weird” and making "strange noises."

It was almost like demons were haunting me through my dreams. I hate writing this down, or even admitting it out loud but it scared the bejeebees out of me. Plus, it sounds crazy. Demons? Really, Becky?

My dad told a story of a woman he witnessed, after asking a group of men to lay hands on her and pray for her, barely being held down by numerous men after attempting this prayer session. Her anger was obvious and her overall demeanor changed, and the way my dad described it – it was not of the heavenly world. I’ve heard others about scales over the eyes, voices changing, angry dispositions gone. Believe me, this isn’t fantasy. The more I thought of this, the more I wondered if my dreams weren't just dreams.

So I figured I needed to figure out a way to peaceably sleep. But, I soon found out I am unable to do that.
I went from having these dreams every, single, night to disappearing altogether. It’s because my trust focus changed from, I need Kyle to wake me up or I need to wake myself up, to “God, please help me.” I began praying and quoting every Bible verse I knew. I still have freaky dreams occasionally, but I suddenly realized they feared God more than I feared them! AND I HAVE GOD WITHIN ME! What was I to fear? It was never about me after all! DUH! Once this realization hit me, the dreams were less frequent.

It’s crazy, I know it, but these dreams returned after hearing my pastor preach about Angels and Demons, adding to my plethora of scary stories. I mean, come on! I hear a sermon – confirming what I already know – and it brings these dreams back?! It’s like a relapse of PTSD. I hear one story about a kid possessed with evil spirits, how he told him he was “hearing voices,” and cutting himself because it was the only way to stop hearing them – and wham, bam-a-lam, I have another dream. After this dream they stopped for a while again.

Until last night.

I can't explain the dream really. But I can tell you what happened...

I was exhausted and couldn't help closing my eyes, but the moment I did the darkness changed. I don't really know how to explain it except like this... close your eyes, now put your hand over your eyes. It went from dark to dark-er. Then there was a heaviness. I struggled to breath, talk, or lift my arms. So I'd pray and wake myself up. Again, I was exhausted and had a hard time keeping my eyes open, but the moment they were closed, I felt the darkness and heaviness, so I'd pray, wake up, close my eyes, pray, etc. Then I tried to wake Kyle to pray with me, but I think in the moments when I was most awake I was still partially asleep because it did not affect him in the slightest. I was terrified of closing my eyes, so I decided that I had nothing else to do but get on my knees and pray, beg, for God to help me.  I fell asleep in that position and next woke up on my hands and knees, sleeping peacefully.

So telling this, writing it down, is an attempt to figure out why I'm having these dreams and to ask that you, as the reader, pray for me. Maybe I'll never figure out why I'm having these things happen to me, but I have a feeling that this isn't the last of these nightmares. Thankfully I have faith in the promise for a perfect ending with no tears, frustrations, or fears because Satan will be defeated. Call me crazy, but I seriously think that I'm being haunted by a demon. I only wish I knew the reason why. But until the day this all goes away I will face this demon straight on, knowing I have the power of Christ Jesus. The Holy Spirit is way smarter than me, or any demon, and thankfully He resides within me, so there’s one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt: I’m not alone. I can face my nightmares having faith in that one fact, because now when these dreams do occur – whether I feel like I’m floating above my bed, or dealing with an overpowering mess, or someone is trying to break into my house, or if I have little demon children running through my hallways, I find myself praying and praising God! And guess what? My nightmares haven’t entirely stopped, but when they do come, not only am I able to wake up, but I’m able to peaceably fall asleep afterwards.

Dang. The power of prayer and praise, to a God so worthy of it, amazes me still!

No comments:

Post a Comment