"The Atonement Child" by Francine Rivers [Quotable Quotes]

In addition to book reviews, I decided that if a book contains one or more amazing quotes, I want to spend time talking about them. The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers had so many that I couldn't pass them up. It was this book that encouraged me to add the quotes gadget to my blog layout (you'll see it on your left). There were 11 quotes from this book alone that I thought were beautiful enough to share. Francine Rivers gives insight into the heartache of women who have chosen abortion or feel they have no other choice and the healing that comes with it. I trust her knowledge. The entire reason she wrote the book was to shed light on her own testimony and the heartache of her own decision to abort. What an incredible way to share life's most taxing trials and the gift of forgiveness through Jesus Christ! I encourage you to read the book and my review on it. You will not walk away unscathed.

Quote #1: “How many others suffered in silence, too ashamed and too afraid to speak about their pain? The world wouldn't let them grieve for children they had aborted. How could they when the rhetoric said there was no child? How does one grieve what doesn't exist? No one wanted to admit the truth.” (p.248)

This quote reminded me of an incredibly difficult blog post written by a mother who lost her child due to a miscarriage. She titled it, How Abortion Has Changed the Discussion of Miscarriage and I'll let her post speak for itself. She hit the nail on the head:

"I was sent home to continue to live like my baby had never died – like there never was a baby. But recently, I have realized that this response is an indicator of the state of our society. After all, it is hard for a society to mourn the loss of WANTED unborn life when it is busy calling it “tissue” and discrediting its personhood. It is hard for a society to embrace a mourning mother for her loss of tissue when it is busy defending another mother’s right to dispose of it. But for a woman who prays ceaselessly for life to fill her womb, For a woman who has tried for years to finally have children of her own. For an expectant mother who suddenly finds herself frantically calling her OB after finding bright red blood... The “material” in her tummy is anything but tissue. It is life. It is hopes and dreams and answered prayers. It is destiny and a future and a promise of another generation. It is bike riding and little league and ballet lessons and college and grandkids… It is a baby. But it can never be both. Society can never acknowledge that we lost a baby and with the same breath declare the rest to be tissue. That is how abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – it has silenced it. Even though miscarriage affects millions of men and women each year, it won’t be featured on the news. There will be no memorials for all of the WANTED unborn babies. There will be no moments of silence or Today Show features for women who are organizing support groups. Despite the huge number of families miscarriage impacts each year – it will not be discussed widely. Because if they call ours babies… Then all of the aborted ones… were babies too…" (source, bold mine)

Quote #2: “I have to be separate in my way of thinking and not let my emotions rule. Oh, and they have ruled, Joe. They've ruled for months. I've let myself be kept in turmoil, stumbling every which way I turn."
"And no wonder."
"Don't make excuses for me. The world's too good at that.” (p. 250)
"We're Christians. We have to care what people think. The appearance of wrongdoing, remember? I'm not going to move in with you had have people think we're living in sin. What sort of witness would that be?” (p. 257)

There's two incredible pieces of this quote I want to talk about: 1. emotions. Rivers is dead on in this conversation between the main character and Joe in regards to them. They are unreliable. We spend too much time trying to reign in our emotions when we should instead focus our minds on Scripture. Once we focus on mind on Scripture, our mind automatically gravitates to the things of GOD. That is exactly what the Bible teaches us to do (see Romans 12:1-2 as one example). Gain wisdom through Scripture. Renew your mind according to Scripture. Do not be conformed to this world, but transform your mind. That is the entire reason why I created the 40 Day Challenge, to renew my mind according to Scripture. I am so glad I did (now it's about time to do it again). 

Secondly, as Christians we should care what people think. The more time we learn and grown in Him the more He sets us apart. Our lives should be different because the One who lives within us is different. The Holy Spirit will constantly teach and admonish according to Scripture so that we become more like Him, which is our ultimate goal. The more we grow and learn in Him the bigger witness we become and He will use us for His glory. What good are we to Him if we continue to live in sin? We are not using our lives for His glory!

Quote #3: “How could a woman who had an abortion not feel guilt or some sense of remorse? How could she justify what she'd done? Whom else could she blame when everyone was telling her it's her choice? Without facing the truth and confessing it, how could she be forgiven how could she be restored? How could she be free?" (p. 282)

Especially since the world refuses to recognize their pain and loss...

Quote: #4: “He had the tool to break down the walls that imprisoned his people. He had the tool to rip away the veil to the Holy of Holy's so that his flock could come before the Lord and be cleansed, made whole, transformed, and have a personal, loving relationship with their creator. That very tool sat on Hannah's bookshelf right now, gathering dust until Sunday morning. Her Savior was there, waiting to speak to her and show her the way home again, the way back to love. YOUR WORD IS LIFE! Why didn't more people understand that?” (p. 283)

I love this portion of the book where a pastor realized the most helpful tool on the face of the planet - God's Word. The sad part is that in broken homes the Bible sits on a shelf gathering dust.

Quote #5: “Lord, you are God! You made us. Who better to know how to fix us when we've gone wrong? who better to set us to rights again? Who better to love us through the fire and refine us into something beautiful and useful despite our wrongs?” (p. 283)

Truth.

Quote #6: “A woman could be the wind beneath a man's sails or a gale to send him into uncharted waters. She could be an anchor in stormy seas, or she could let him drift into the rocks.” (p. 296)

I read this to my husband and his only response was, "Yup."

Quote #7: "Hormonal changes permanently alter the breast structure. And when a pregnancy is terminated through abortion, the process is interrupted, which leaves cells in a sate of transition. And they say cells in this state have a very high risk of becoming cancerous. So the woman's chances of developing breast cancer later in life may be greatly increased.” (p. 310)

I decided to do a bit of research to determine the truth behind this statement. You'll be floored with what I found:

• "Endocrine disrupting compoundsmay contribute to breast cancer risk by skewing normal endocrine function." (source)
• "Breast development is a process guided by naturally occurring hormones, minuscule amounts of which exert striking effects in breast tissue at the critical stages of prenatal development, pubertyand pregnancy. These two features of naturally occurring hormones—that they exert extreme effects in small amounts and that they have the strongest effects at specific developmental stages—also characterize endocrine-disrupting compounds." (source)
• http://www.abortionbreastcancer.com/index/
• http://www.abortionbreastcancer.com/ABC_Research/index.htm
• "It is known that having a full-term pregnancy early in a woman's childbearing years is protective against breast cancer....Interruption during the first trimester of a first pregnancy causes a cessation of cell differentiation, which may result in a subsequent increase in the risk of cancerous growth in these tissues." (Planned Parenthood, source)
• "After a woman's first full-term pregnancy, hormonal influences transform a high proportion of her breast cells into mature, differentiated cells which make milk. Milk producing cells are fully mature and less sensitive to DNA damage than immature undifferentiated cells. Therefore, susceptibility to mutations declines in the breast cells of women who have had an early full-term pregnancy." (source)

Quote #8: “... those selling abortion don't want them to have [the facts]," Virginia said heatedly. "Besides the Supreme Court doesn't agree with you. They judges seem to think we poor women would fall apart if we knew the facts, so they decided women don't have the right to know the full truth." She shook her head. "They've made it legal to withhold vital information, even when a woman requests it, for heaven's sake!” (p. 310-311)

You can read all about the history of court rulings in regards to this statement here. 

Quote #9: “It doesn't take two minutes on an examining table for a girl to know that abortion is painful and destructive and it'll have far-reaching effects on her life. Besides the emotional trauma of going through something so violent, there are the physical aspects, the aftereffects. Unfortunately, by the time she's gone that far, it's too late to change her mind.” (p. 311)

Francine River's testimony of her own abortion can validate the truth behind this statement.

Quote #10: “This generation seems to see children as a financial burden and responsibility to be avoided.” (p. 313)

I wish this wasn't true, and I'm going to steal a quote from a book that I think sums this sad truth up pretty well,

"Years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.  

Children rank way below college. Below world travel. Below nightlife. Below physical fitness. Below a career. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing." (R. Jankovik, Mom Enough, p.14-15, it also appears on the blog Desiring God titled, Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank))

Isn't that true of our mentality these days? It's convicting! After reading that I had to sit down, determine where my children rank, and make some changes...

Quote #11: “Emotions are powerful, but they also change as quick as the wind. That's why the Lord says to renew your mind. Don't base decisions on what you feel.” (p. 335)

This one relates so much to Quote #2 that I don't want to expound on it. See Quote #2. 

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I want to end with sharing a bit of my testimony. During my freshman year of college I was promiscuous. Had I become pregnant I have no doubt in my mind that I would've chosen an abortion. There's many reasons why I believe this about myself then: 1. I was selfish. 2. I would've been scared to tell my family. 3. I would not have known the father. 4. I did not want to quit school to support a child or deal with whatever lay ahead had I chosen a full-term pregnancy and adoption (selfish). Thankfully, God spared me from many consequences of my lifestyle as an 18 year old. My goal in sharing these quotes and spending so much time talking about them is not to cast judgement, but to offer encouragement. Even if you did make the decision to abort your baby there is forgiveness through the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ. If He can forgive you for sins past, present and future, who are you to remember them and who am I to hold it against you? Give them to Jesus, find someone who will encourage you according to Scripture daily, and let the healing begin. Any healing process is laborious but with Jesus anything is possible!

What I believe about life:
 I believe that God creates life from conception. Period. 
I believe God knows each individual before conception.
I believe God's sovereignty stretches to all aspects of human life, including, but not limited to pregnancy.

David wrote about that truth in a beautiful Psalm...
"For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; 
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, 
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; 
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them." 
Psalm 139:13-16

We Are ALL Terrible Mommy's

Today is another day in the saga of "my daughter only wants to eat graham crackers" (for every meal, all the time). When I place a wholesome meal in front of her (that she has thoroughly enjoyed in the past) she refuses to eat it and even spits it out when I give it to her. Ahhhhhhh! It's so irritating! When I'm irritated I am not patient or kind. Plus, she is hungry (no matter how many crackers you eat, it can't be fulfilling) and as a result she is uber whiny, clingy, and irritable. I'm at my wits end.

I decided a picture of me at my wits end might help concrete the following description of my frustration...

She's also refusing to play without me. In the past I'd play with her for a half hour or so to start the day, and let her play by herself, give her a task to do with me and all was hunky-dory. Noooooooo, not anymore. She is at my feet all.the.time. clinging to my pants (I hate that), begging for my attention. Crying, whining, screaming for "ca-ca-ca" (crackers). It's impossible to accomplish anything... which leads me to my next rant...

Today is also day (whatever... it seems like an eternity when you're in the midst of it) that she is FIGHTING sleep. And by fighting sleep I mean that she's on the verge of passing out (eye rubbage, looooooong blinks, the typical "I'm so sleepy!" signs) so I'll lay her down, and she will play and play and play and talk and talk and talk for a long time. Today it went on for an hour! She seemed happy, like time to relax in the crib is what she needed, so I took her out, tried to give her some lunch, and decided to try and accomplish something, anything, blah, blah, blah... crankiness continued, refusing to eat, not leaving my side....

It came to a head when I began folding laundry. I'd fold a piece, set it down and she'd yank it off the couch and throw it back into the laundry basket or meander over to her dirty clothes bin and throw it in. I took a deep breath and said this prayer, "Lord, help me." And it was then (as she grabs a piece from the basket and does this cute little rendition of roll-it-up from patty cake) that I realized she was trying to fold it! In my selfish, irritated state I did not realize that my daughter was mimicking my actions in laundry-doing, she was trying to help me! Conviction set in and I had this realization that I am a terrible mommy, unfortunately, as I'm typing this I know other mom's are going, "Honey, I get it! You're not terrible." Yes I am and so are you. We are all terrible mommy's.

I'm being 110% serious.

Hear me out.

I'm studying the book of Romans right now. In chapter 1 Paul's description of sin, of our depravity, leads the reader to understand why we desperately need the gospel. We are liars, haters, boastful, foolish (everything that describes me today and every other day of my life). When we abandon God, God "...gives us up" to our sinful desires. Because of our sin against a perfect and holy God we deserve to die! Paul is very adamant that ALL have sinned, ALL of us are rotten, ALL OF US ARE TERRIBLE!

"None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands; no one seeks for God. 

All have turned aside; 

together they have become worthless; 

no one does good, not even one. 

Their throat is an open grave; 

they use their tongues to deceive. 

The venom of asps is under their lips. 

Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.

Their feet are swift to shed blood; 

in their paths are ruin and misery, 

and the way of peace they have not known.

There is no fear of God before their eyes." (Romans 3:11-18)

I don't think we can hem-haw around that passage. There is not one of us that can escape the fact that we are terrible people and because we are ALL sinners we deserve death. We do not deserve to be in the presence of a perfect God. "... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) We deserve to die for all that we've done, murderers, haters, liars, and terrible mothers alike.

"For the wages of sin is death..." (Romans 6:23)

Because of what we've done against God (like being a selfish mommy), we deserve to die. Just in case Paul wasn't clear in chapter 3:11-18, we deserve to die.

So on these days when I become so irritated with my child that I want to lock myself in a closet, scream, and then gulp down a glass of wine, what is my hope? Well God had a plan knowing we'd have days like this, weeks, years even, and we'd continue to be inadequate in meeting His perfect Law.

"God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Christ took the death that WE DESERVE! He lived, he died, and rose again. Jesus Christ took God's wrath on the cross so that His children can enter heaven holy and blameless, despite being terrible!

I must admit the fact that I'm a terrible mother, wife, PERSON, and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me, even in my failings as a mommy. You will continue to fall short every day of your life. You will never measure up to a perfect God. There are no good people apart from God. So thank you Jesus that "...if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9) That's it! And that's something I remind myself of daily, especially in moments like this when I'm failing as mommy, despite my best efforts.

And thanks be to Jesus and what He accomplished on the cross because without that one selfless act I would be doomed on days like today, but it's days like today that I'm forever thankful that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) Wow. Despite my terrible daily imperfections, I am not doomed. Despite my daily act of trying to be good mommy (and failing), God is good. Regardless of my never ending failures, He is unchanging. No matter how many times I give in to my resolve to yell, scream, shut myself up in the closet, God is faithful. No matter how lazy I become, God is always at work in my life. Despite my impatience, He is patient. Even though I am a terrible mommy, He is perfect. 

As long as I trust in HIM, this mommy job is one that He is using for His glory, no matter what I do or say. Hallelujah, because today... today I'm a terrible mommy. Tomorrow isn't looking so hot either. So I will take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, give thanks for His grace, and rely on the Holy Spirit. Without that, my terrible, earthly, fleshly self is hopeless and lost and terrible.

These are the qualities of the Holy Spirit that I need in parenting: patience, kindness, self-control, love... and according the the Bible NO ONE possess's these qualities without Him because of our sin. Outwardly we might try to work on these things, but it's the heart that matters and if our heart is not right with God, those qualities will continue to be surface level. In order to be a good mommy, I must embrace the fact that I am a sinner in need of Christ, and once I allow the Holy Spirit to intervene, I am good at this job only because He's giving me HIS perfect qualities.

Side note: I think that from now on when I hear a mother exclaim, "I'm a terrible mother!" I'll agree and say, "Yup, we are all terrible mommy's. Thank goodness for Jesus Christ's grace and for His perfect example on what it means to be a good parent. We must simply be willing to let Him guide us as we go. Rely on Him." And that's that.

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This post may come as a shock after reading my recent argument about this amazing job we call motherhood. I'm not taking back what I wrote there, I meant every word I said, but we cannot embrace the truth -- that God gave us the ability to nurture life -- unless we truly embrace the source of that ability!

"Glimpses of Grace" Book Review

I bet you are celebrating the fact that I FINISHED "Glimpses of Grace" by Gloria Furman with me! (Because I've never mentioned it before... right?) Except here, and here, and here, and here, and here. See what I mean? I've been engrossed in this book since Mother's Day and God has used it to convict me more times than I can count on my pride, selfishness, and my inner relationship with Him. God has also used this book to inspire me to study God's Word more, improve my prayer life, memorize scripture, and how to be content, joyful, and God glorifying through the mundane.

Her overall theme? God gives you Himself and that is enough. Without Jesus (our gift) we are nothing.

The most important question in all of universe is your opinion of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Nothing else matters because HE IS ETERNAL and we are eternal beings. 150 years from now I want to bask in God's glory and have Christ say to me, "Well, done my good and faithful servant." So while I'm on this earth I will focus on my future home and the gift of salvation because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross, becoming sin on my behalf, and live every day as a good and faithful servant.

The thing is, I've known these facts for quite a while now, but do you know how badly I struggle with doing it? That's what I love about Gloria Furman's book! She struggles too and gives practical advice and used her struggles (including sad and funny stories of her own life) so her readers can relate. Each page has notes in the margins, highlights, and an occasional sticky note to mark the page because the way she writes reflects my theology (and she can state it so much better than I can!).

I'm terrible at writing sometimes because I ramble on and on and on when in reality all I want to say is: YOU NEED TO READ THIS! THIS BOOK IS WORTH READING! Thankfully, Lauren Chandler wrote an amazing foreword and I wanted to share a piece of it with you, "This is sustaining grace, this is the desired haven: to know his steadfast love that saves and keeps us. Glimpses of Grace is not a how-to. It is a true friend's invitation to see and know the Lord's steadfast love displayed in every wave, big and small." (p.12)

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Our response to failure, to life's struggles, to our imperfections, to our ups and downs of motherhood and marriage, to tragedy, to joy, and blessings (and everything else in life) should be TO THE LORD. That is why I am able to relate to Gloria Furman's journey of seeing grace in every aspect of life: because she struggles, she has tragedy, reasons to be joyful, and experiences the ups and downs of motherhood and wife-hood like every other woman on the face of the earth. That is why you need to read this book, so God can bless you also in knowing that 1. You are not alone. and 2. You can be joyful while sweeping the floor and changing the umpteenth diaper of the day. Not because it's fun, but because you are called to be a servant of Christ and there is deep and abiding joy and contentment in the hope we have in HIM. I never understood why I should be joyful while doing a task I hate (like diaper duty), but now I do and I am beyond thankful that God blessed Gloria Furman with the ability to write in such a way that touched my heart. I hope it has the same effect on you!

You can get the book on Amazon or Barnes & Noble for approximately $10, it is worth it, I promise.

My Testimony

I'm sure than my high school and college friends read my blog posts and wonder who this crazy lady is who keeps talking about Jesus! "She was never like this when I knew her!"

So for those of you who knew me "back then," I have changed so much in the last few years, thank goodness, and felt like I needed to share my testimony so you know why I keep talking about Him.

In high school and college I believed I was a "Christian" because I was a pastor's daughter (I grew up going to church), I believed in God (um, well, so does Satan), and I had that mindset that God will forgive me when I go to bed tonight so I can do whatever I want to right now. "Besides, I'll have a chance to ask for forgiveness before I die, right?"

As a child I remember accepting Christ as my savior and praying with my parents, but the older I got the more I rejected God. When I heard "Jesus" spoken out loud I would cringe and think, "Why can't they just shut up?" I would tell my friends, "I believe the same thing they do, but do you see me going around pushing it on people?"

I also had the mindset that I needed to learn from my own mistakes (I really bought in to that mentality, instead of learning from someone who had already been there, done that). For example, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to marry my high school boyfriend. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I possibly could, I wanted to have sex with him (After all, God wants me to be happy, right? and why, if I'm going to marry this guy, do I have to wait?), and when my focus was entirely on the boyfriend, I began to ignore my parent's teaching and hate the mention of Jesus. That stuff only applies to me when I'm older. I'll live that way after I'm married, after I've experienced life.

My junior year of high school was when I really began to reject God. My boyfriend was graduating, along with all the people I hung out with at that time. Their graduation was already hard enough because I honestly thought that my senior year was going to be tough. Sure, I had some friends in my own class and even in the classes below me, but the friends I chose to hang out with were in the grade above me. When graduation weekend came I dreaded it, so I dragged my feet as I walked into graduation practice (I was in the band). That day will be one I will never, ever forget. The graduating class was sitting around waiting for everyone to arrive, the band was ready to play, the teachers and administration were giving out last minute instructions, but we were waiting for one last person: Brian Pancau. Everyone loved this kid. He was friendly, outgoing, positive, and he held a special place in my heart as being my first kiss. (From that point on I had a crush on him, but he was not interested in pursuing a relationship with me so I dated one of his good friends, and Brian and I continued to have a wonderful friendship.) There were rumors going around the gym that Brian had been in a bad car accident (some kids drove past it on their way to practice and recognized what was left of his car). So naturally, we were all freaking out. Next thing I know our principle walked up to the stage and announced that Brian had not made it. The gym erupted. People screamed, cried, and held each other. It was an awful chaos.

We dedicated our next track season to him. On our shirts we put the quote he said, all the time, GO BIG OR GO HOME. One of my friends (Ashley) who had been on the 4x400 team with me the previous year decided not to go out. I remember being crushed because we had made it a goal to win state after we took home a 3rd place medal my junior year. Looking back I truly think that she didn't know how to handle the death of Brian. They were really good friends.

I was more excited than ever to start track after ending a horrible basketball season my senior year. The coach benched the seniors claiming he was, "building for the future." I loved the game of basketball, but it was Ashley who kept me sane. She'd sit in the back of the bus with me and we'd chat. She'd sympathize, offer advice, and we'd trade details about our life. So when track season rolled around and she didn't go out, I was ultra disappointed.

Right before I graduated she walked up to me and apologized, "Honestly, Becky, Honestly," (she began every important discussion with honestly) "I regret not doing track. I knew how bad you wanted state; I should've done it for you." At the time I thought it was incredibly sweet (I still do), I thanked her, told her not to beat herself up too bad over it, and we went our separate ways.

Part of the reason I told her not to worry about it was because I broke my foot, which affected the outcome of state anyway. At the time I didn't know it was broken, but six months after the initial injury, I got an x-ray and began the healing process, which eventually required surgery. I simply waited too long. This was a big bummer. My senior year was not going the way I had dreamed and hoped.

It added to my desire to get away, thinking that going away would solve my problems. It was coming time to decide what I was going to do with my life. Some family friends and my boyfriend talked about Doane College all the time and how amazing it was, so I too wanted to check it out, I was convinced it was where I needed to be. Now, I realize my decision was very selfish - I left behind my family and it cost my family an arm and a leg - but I was only thinking of what I wanted.

I couldn't wait to get out from under the wing of a father who I thought was too controlling. I couldn't wait to be closer to my boyfriend. But what I didn't do was think of how I was hurting my best friend - my brother - by moving ten hours away. Being fifteen months apart we did not know life without each other. We did everything together. And when I walked out the door, I sobbed as I said good-bye, but now when I look back on that day I realize how much I hurt him as I replay his broken heart over and over again in my head. I also left behind two sisters who needed me and who heard me endlessly rant about how unfair our father was - planting a seed of rebellion and animosity towards him.

All I cared about was getting out and moving on to something I thought was better.

My first year of college was eventful.

I broke up with my boyfriend, joined a sorority, "played" basketball (I had a boot, so I went to every practice and watched), participated in the pep and concert bands, and partied, partied, partied. At the time I didn't realize that I was self medicating.

I was still struggling with the death of my friend Brian and then I learned that my friend Ashley had died from complications involving a four wheeling accident. I was crushed. What I regret most was that after hearing about her accident I kept telling myself I needed to call her and told myself I would, "later." I never called her. To my everlasting shame, I also decided to not go home and attend her funeral. There was no closure and now I was living with this huge regret - Why didn't I call her?! Why didn't I go to her funeral?!

When I drank, my mentality was, “I drink to forget.” I'd tell myself that I’d feel better and I wouldn’t think about all that crap, so I would drink to the point of blacking out. When I did that, I made horrible decisions. I would wake up, feeling horrible about those decisions, want to forget that I made them, go back to drinking, make more horrible decisions, feel horrible, drink more, make more horrible decisions, and this vicious cycle continued until my best friend said, "Becky, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't feel sorry for you!"

I was mad, but despite my rebellion I came to the understanding that she was a true friend. She was willing to risk our friendship so that I would change the way I was living. That was the first step towards healing. Yes, I continued to drink, and yes, I continued to make stupid decisions, but not at the astronomical rate I was going during my freshman year.

When something bad happened, I still had that mentality to drink and forget it, and I still had this weight on my shoulders as I continued to live a destructive lifestyle.

Then my junior year my mom decided she wanted a divorce.

You talk about anger. 

I hated her for that decision and I did not hesitate in telling her through screaming phone calls, nasty emails, and begging her, pleading with her, to change her mind. Our family was broken and my heart literally felt like it was torn in two. Just the thought of what my family was going through brought me to tears. I could barely talk about it - I'd become a sobbing mess.

I was piling on a lot of emotions: loss, regret, anger... and I dealt with it all by drinking more.

The only place I felt where I belonged was with my sorority sisters. My basketball team rejected me and the more I felt rejected by them, the less I liked playing basketball. I felt judged when I attended church with a friend, or went to the Fellowship of Christian athlete's meetings, or the Christian events hosted by the college. I felt like I didn't belong - I was tainted - I was a sinner.

I met Kyle at the end of my senior year of college. After three months, I knew I was going to marry him and it freaked him out! I accepted a job on the other end of the state and after graduation we would begin a long distance relationship, so he broke up with me. I was crushed and mad at him. After four days, he came to realization that he felt the same way I did and that we'd make it work.

Our relationship was not God centered. Neither of us were living Godly lives, but that all changed when we got engaged.

One of dad's requirements was that Kyle and I find a book that focused on putting Christ at the center of our relationship. Kyle took it seriously and the day after I said yes, we went to Barnes and Noble and found one book, one, that met dad's requirements. At the time I didn't understand divine providence, but I said, "Well, it's a sign that it's the one we're supposed to read!" So we bought it and read it!

Our lives began to change because now we were seeking Godly advice. We knew we wanted something different. We wanted to last, we wanted to be happy, and for some reason we knew that the only way to attain true happiness was by following my dad's advice. So we found a pastor that would guide us. Our first meeting with him was both hard and absolutely amazing. Hard, because forgiveness and a means of acceptance of things that cannot be changed needed to take place in regards to past relationships. Thank goodness for a forgiving husband.

More importantly...

Kyle accepted Christ as his savior.

I reaffirmed my life for Christ.

And we began an amazing transformation.

It did not happen overnight. Although our partying had slowed down significantly, we continued to live that lifestyle, but this time we came to realize that we had to change, we wanted to change, and the only way that was going to happen was through Christ and learning and growing through Him.

Two things happened for me: 1. I partied too hard at my bachelorette party, woke up feeling absolutely horrible, and vowed I would never, ever do that again. and 2. Through divine providence I realized we needed to find a church, Kyle knew it was the only way we were going to grow.

I hated the idea of going to church. As a pastor's daughter I saw the in's and out's of the hypocrite's who attended and a big part of me blamed them for my family being ripped apart. My dad put up with so much drama, my mom was excluded from women's groups, problem after problem would arise because someone thought they needed to be in charge, or there were fights over music, or misunderstandings would arise because of something they thought was said or not said, or grotesque sin was made blatantly obvious by people who were leaders in the church, or or or or or...

As a child soaking all of this in and watching how it affected my parents, I wanted nothing to do with church or the people who went there. So when Kyle brought up the idea of finding a church, my immediate response was NO! Kyle, knowing my "church" history, only asked me to pray about it. I agreed to do that at least.

Well, God knows best, because Kyle bought us a men and women's devotional set. We'd each read our own devotional teaching for the day and talk about it later. The very next morning after Kyle asked me to pray about it, the topic was: Church! (And I hadn’t even prayed about it yet!)

We found a church and our pastor started the process of discipleship - rightly teaching God's word so that we could study and teach others on our own. When I began to read God's word, meeting with another woman from our church, and listening to verse by verse, word by word teaching of God's word every Tuesday and Sunday, my faith, my understanding of God grew and grew and grew and continues to grow!

God's grace took my anger and regret away. A load was lifted off my shoulders and for once I felt like I could breathe! I finally understood the power of God's sovereignty and I finally understood true freedom when I learned to let go and let God!

I was changing and growing and learning and then I had Brielle.

It was a scary experience, but Kyle and I grew significantly in Christ as we held each other and prayed for her and His will for us. When I finally held her in my arms I began to understand the depth of love God must feel for His children. At this point, I was more than ready to accept whatever fire God was going to put us through, I seriously thought that her birth was the end of that "refining fire".

Was I ever wrong.

Ten days after giving birth I hemorrhaged and nearly lost my life. I thought I was saying good-bye to this life and as I was being loaded on to the flight for life and began singing "Indescribable" I was suddenly okay with dying. I believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt what it says in Roman's 10:9, "... if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." I had faith in Jesus and the hope of salvation through Him, "… there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved." (Acts 4:12) I knew that if I died I'd be with Jesus in heaven. A few years ago if someone had asked me where I would go if I died, I'd shrug my shoulders, "... heaven ... I think..."

But, now, I know and am so excited for that day! I don't see October 1st as a horrific experience. Instead, I often wonder what I would be doing right now had I died. I find myself aching to know what heaven is like and aching for the day when I finally get to meet Jesus! And aching when I think of how God describes hell, so much so, that I ache to tell others about Jesus and the hope we have in Him.

For many years, I didn't understand why my life turned out the way it did. Why did I go to Doane? Why did I lose my friends? Why did my parents get a divorce? But now, I understand that Doane helped me develop into a passionate teacher and that's where I met Kyle. I was able to help my students through tragedies like losing their friends and empathize with them as they endured their parent's divorce. Instead of judging the sinner, I see a hopeless, struggling individual who needs God. All of these events are part of my testimony because they are now a means of ministry!

I do not fear God's "refining fire" because He is in control. And I do not fear death because I have faith that what Jesus taught is true: "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life." (John 6:47-48)

One of "THOSE" Days

Everyone has days that we refer to as "one of those days" (insert heavy sigh here). After telling someone, "I'm having one of those days," they nod their head in solemn understanding. So I'm glad, reader, that as I type, "I'm having one of those days," that I know you can relate.

Let me tell you about my day...

Brielle won't stop crying. She cried when she woke up. She cried when I took her out of her crib. She cried when I changed her diaper. She cried when I suctioned her boogers and snot (okay I totally get that one). She cried when I fed her, in between swallows. She cried when I gave her a toy. She cried when I took it back. She cried when I put her down for her nap.

And it became overwhelmingly obvious that she does not feel well.

Kyle and I have had an on again off again cold consisting of a headache, runny nose, and sore throat. Nothing major, but I'm pretty sure she has it.

Also, her first tooth popped through Monday.

Aaaaaaand Tuesday, she got shots.

So this poor baby is not having a good week. After her nap, she woke up relatively happy (until I suctioned her nose again) and when it was time to eat, she chowed down, and then projectile vomited all over! Sooooooo we took a bath. We were there for an hour and a half because she was a happy, happy baby! Whatever works. Both of us were all sorts of wrinkly afterwards, especially her cute little chubby toes. (hehe) I gave her some Tylenol and put her back to bed. She fell right asleep WITHOUT FUSSING. That's definitely something I can be thankful for.

Which has been my mindset lately (or at least trying to have that mindset lately).

My sisters and I have been doing a thankful journal since February. Around that time we were going through some pretty nasty stuff that put us in a rotten mood. Every time we talked, it was negative. So my sister Mel finally said that she was going to find 5 things a day that she was grateful for and write them down, in hopes of changing the way she perceives the events throughout her day and thus changing her mindset. I hopped on that boat and so did my sister Mandy. Now, we talk every day, holding each other accountable and talking about our thankfuls from the previous day. Not only has it changed my perspective on life in general, but it has made my relationship with my sisters so amazingly close. Most importantly, my relationship with God has grown because this journal helped me worship HIM by thanking HIM for all that HE has blessed me with, because that list is pretty darn near endless. Discussing our thankful journals is one of the highlights of my day.

Still, there are days we joke that "I had to dig really deep yesterday" to find something, anything to be thankful for because we had "one of those days", let me give you an example of one of those days back in March:

1. Thank you LORD that despite the mood of not wanting to do anything, I sucked it up, accomplished something, and my mood changed a tad.
2. Thank  you Lord, that after waking up at 5 am with a sore throat and headache, and after sleeping in - my headache went away at least.
3. Thank you for this grapefruit I'm about to eat. Yum. 
4. Thank you Lord for a hubby who's excited to do a March Madness basketball tourney bracket with me.
5. Thank you for my dishwasher, cause I'd go mad without it.

Well, I'm having another one of those days.....

BUT when I sat down to write in my thankful journal I began looking back and saw entries like this:

• My nephew Gary is so smart. Mel is a wonderful mommy and is such a good teacher. Today I listened to Gary "read" me a book. He recalled so many details, connected it to his own life, and showed me what a switchback was with his own play train tracks (so I understood the story). I'm blown away.
• Thank you Lord for the opportunity to play basketball. I played one game and my core was extremely sore. One game is one game, but I FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY!
• Thank you for the yummy no bake cookies I made today, cause I've had, like, 5.
• I'm enjoying this age so much. For the most part Brielle is a happy baby, doing something to make us giggle EVERY DAY. Her bababa's and shrieks of excitement bring so much joy to dinner time. Her little belly laughs at bath time bring us to hysterics. It's in these moments I wish time would slow down! Thank you Lord for entrusting us to raise her - help us do it in a way that she grows up knowing and loving you.
• Lord, I have an amazingly thoughtful hubby who saved the last bit of milk for me to put in my coffee. It was the last jug before grocery shopping the next day. I crawled out of bed, made coffee, and had the perfect amount. It may seem small, but he knows me and loves me enough to do something like that. He's so thoughtful. I am blessed with an amazing husband who helps me understand the love you have for me. I'm beginning to notice "the small things" you do for me everyday. How can one girl be so blessed to be so loved? My heart is overflowing.
• Side Note: I thanked Kyle when he came home from work for doing that for me and he just smiled and said, "I knew you'd want it for your coffee." It's proof that such a simple statement and a simple act mean so much. We need more men like Kyle.

I made sure to thumb the pages where these entries were written. I don't want to forget them. They helped me realize that I have one heck of an amazing life. So my day turned from "one of those days" into a beautiful, thank you LORD, for the life I'm blessed to live, kind of day.