Since pursuing minimalism I have been ridding my home not just of things I do not need, but anything that distracts me from my purpose in life, including dusty old memories. One of the things I just finished purging is my memory box. Throwing away items that remind me of a person I no longer am, of who I used to be, is a wonderfully freeing activity. Because many of those items brought about emotions of pain, regret, and joy intermixed.
For example, I threw away an entire bag full of metals and ribbons from every track meet, honor band, or academic achievement from junior high and high school. As I sorted through what I really wanted to keep and what could be tossed, I began to reflect on who I was in those high school days - as an athlete and student. Sure I have regrets even then, but when I think back on those two things specifically I can honestly say I gave it my best effort. When the coach asked for 7 sets of 100 meter hills, my 4x400 team did another set because we wanted to stand on the podium at state (which we did). When the gun went off, I gave an enormous amount of effort in running as fast as I could to the finish line, even though I knew I would probably puke. The only race I wish I would've dedicated more time and energy to is the 400. I think I could've ran faster than 59 seconds, other than that I persevered through a broken foot and made it to state track in four events my senior year (even while I openly complained, insert an enormous eye roll here, I should have shut up or went to the doctor). In basketball when the coach said "hit the line" I made sure I was the first to finish. During practice I worked so hard sweat dripped off my nose. As long as I was on the court I was giving 110% effort. Even when practice was over I made an effort to stay after and work on my shot. What made me a decent athlete in high school wasn't my skill (I'm a huge klutz), it was my dedication, work ethic and perseverance.
So why didn't those qualities transfer to college? I think I know why and we will get to that in a bit, but the truth is...
I became extremely lazy. When I didn't want to go to class, I didn't. When I hated a class I gave minimum effort. When I didn't want to do homework, I waited until the very last minute. I did not truly give a full effort in anything. I still have no idea how I even graduated with a 3.2 GPA. This also goes for basketball, pep and concert band where the only thing I mastered was showing up and being lazy in my efforts.
I drank too much alcohol. I didn't think that the amount of alcohol I was drinking would effect me, but it did. My freshman year of college I gained 30 pounds! Other than the short term effects such as dehydration, it also affects your immune system and blood flow to your muscles which "get in the way of the proteins that build them up resulting in lower muscle mass and less strength" (source, source #2). Alcohol effects athletic performance, period. And I was not willing to admit this truth 10+ years ago.
I made excuses. I had a broken foot, my teammates didn't like me (well, can you honestly blame them?), I wasn't happy, I didn't like it, I'd rather be drinking, I just don't enjoy it anymore, my parents were getting a divorce, my friend passed away, I didn't have any money, I don't have time... I justified giving up the things I worked the hardest on for many years all because of my excuses. Some were legitimately hard, but when life gets hard that is reason enough to persevere and work harder!
When things got tough, I quit. I didn't do this in high school. I remained dedicated even through my senior year of high school when my basketball coach benched the seniors stating he was "building for the future". I still came to every practice and worked my butt off. I persevered when I broke my foot, still running a 62-64 second 400 (a few seconds slower than the year before) and still ran a 27 second 200 meter dash because I was willing to suck it up (but not without whining).
Why was that different in college? I truly believed that I was un-save-able and I was not willing to push through the pain. I reached a point in my sin that I truly thought that God was too angry with me to ever accept me. So I gave into laziness, alcohol, poor excuses, and I just gave up the desire to do anything other than what I wanted to do. When I think back to myself during those years, I am disgusted, but I am also super thankful.
Super thankful for a God who never left me, even in my stupidity.
Why do I share these things with you? Partly because reflecting helps me purge the emotions attached to these memories, and also because I hope someone out there reads this and learns from my mistakes. But mostly, I share these things because they no longer embarrass me.
And so I purged the crap from my house and while writing this I purged the negativity that went along with those items. More importantly I was able to praise God for all that He has done in my life these last 10 years since realizing that the gospel was God's work, that He is not angry with me, and that my identity is in Christ who is continually working on my ugly, lazy heart.
Ahhhh... that is so incredibly freeing.
If I want to finish well I must work hard.
If I want to finish well I must quit quitting the things that are important.
If I want to finish well I cannot let my weakness destroy greatness, for God has done a great work in me.
If I want to finish well I must face adversity knowing that the sovereign God of the universe does not waste pain. And just like muscle, which becomes stronger by repeatedly lifting things that have been designed to weigh us down, I will do rep, upon rep, upon rep, knowing that God works all things together for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).
If I want to finish well I must trust in Christ alone.
And I want to finish well for His glory alone.
For example, I threw away an entire bag full of metals and ribbons from every track meet, honor band, or academic achievement from junior high and high school. As I sorted through what I really wanted to keep and what could be tossed, I began to reflect on who I was in those high school days - as an athlete and student. Sure I have regrets even then, but when I think back on those two things specifically I can honestly say I gave it my best effort. When the coach asked for 7 sets of 100 meter hills, my 4x400 team did another set because we wanted to stand on the podium at state (which we did). When the gun went off, I gave an enormous amount of effort in running as fast as I could to the finish line, even though I knew I would probably puke. The only race I wish I would've dedicated more time and energy to is the 400. I think I could've ran faster than 59 seconds, other than that I persevered through a broken foot and made it to state track in four events my senior year (even while I openly complained, insert an enormous eye roll here, I should have shut up or went to the doctor). In basketball when the coach said "hit the line" I made sure I was the first to finish. During practice I worked so hard sweat dripped off my nose. As long as I was on the court I was giving 110% effort. Even when practice was over I made an effort to stay after and work on my shot. What made me a decent athlete in high school wasn't my skill (I'm a huge klutz), it was my dedication, work ethic and perseverance.
So why didn't those qualities transfer to college? I think I know why and we will get to that in a bit, but the truth is...
I became extremely lazy. When I didn't want to go to class, I didn't. When I hated a class I gave minimum effort. When I didn't want to do homework, I waited until the very last minute. I did not truly give a full effort in anything. I still have no idea how I even graduated with a 3.2 GPA. This also goes for basketball, pep and concert band where the only thing I mastered was showing up and being lazy in my efforts.
I drank too much alcohol. I didn't think that the amount of alcohol I was drinking would effect me, but it did. My freshman year of college I gained 30 pounds! Other than the short term effects such as dehydration, it also affects your immune system and blood flow to your muscles which "get in the way of the proteins that build them up resulting in lower muscle mass and less strength" (source, source #2). Alcohol effects athletic performance, period. And I was not willing to admit this truth 10+ years ago.
I made excuses. I had a broken foot, my teammates didn't like me (well, can you honestly blame them?), I wasn't happy, I didn't like it, I'd rather be drinking, I just don't enjoy it anymore, my parents were getting a divorce, my friend passed away, I didn't have any money, I don't have time... I justified giving up the things I worked the hardest on for many years all because of my excuses. Some were legitimately hard, but when life gets hard that is reason enough to persevere and work harder!
When things got tough, I quit. I didn't do this in high school. I remained dedicated even through my senior year of high school when my basketball coach benched the seniors stating he was "building for the future". I still came to every practice and worked my butt off. I persevered when I broke my foot, still running a 62-64 second 400 (a few seconds slower than the year before) and still ran a 27 second 200 meter dash because I was willing to suck it up (but not without whining).
Why was that different in college? I truly believed that I was un-save-able and I was not willing to push through the pain. I reached a point in my sin that I truly thought that God was too angry with me to ever accept me. So I gave into laziness, alcohol, poor excuses, and I just gave up the desire to do anything other than what I wanted to do. When I think back to myself during those years, I am disgusted, but I am also super thankful.
Super thankful for a God who never left me, even in my stupidity.
Why do I share these things with you? Partly because reflecting helps me purge the emotions attached to these memories, and also because I hope someone out there reads this and learns from my mistakes. But mostly, I share these things because they no longer embarrass me.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20To be crucified is to be dead, there was no other end and if I have been crucified with Christ then I have been raised from the dead with Him (Romans 6:4) and made new,
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come." 1 Corinthians 5:17You cannot embarrass someone who is dead. That person from 10+ years ago no longer exists! So when I share things like this I share it because it gives me an opportunity to share the gospel and it's effect on my life. When God opened my eyes to the truth of His salvation - that there was nothing I could do to be set free from my sin and there was nothing I could do to lose that salvation, I was forever changed. Jesus did all the work when He became sin, took the wrath of God for that sin, died on the cross, and rose again. And since that day He has been working in me and changing me and forcing me to face these terrible habits I got into 10+ years ago.
And so I purged the crap from my house and while writing this I purged the negativity that went along with those items. More importantly I was able to praise God for all that He has done in my life these last 10 years since realizing that the gospel was God's work, that He is not angry with me, and that my identity is in Christ who is continually working on my ugly, lazy heart.
As I let go of the things in my home, I also leave all my failings at the cross - where Jesus paid for those failings once for all time!
Ahhhh... that is so incredibly freeing.
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Today, I am more motivated than I have ever been and I credit that to Christ alone! The fire inside is due to what He has accomplished in me! Today I understand that I did not finish college well and I do not want to be on my death bed with those same regrets. I want to finish well.If I want to finish well I must work hard.
If I want to finish well I must quit quitting the things that are important.
If I want to finish well I cannot let my weakness destroy greatness, for God has done a great work in me.
If I want to finish well I must face adversity knowing that the sovereign God of the universe does not waste pain. And just like muscle, which becomes stronger by repeatedly lifting things that have been designed to weigh us down, I will do rep, upon rep, upon rep, knowing that God works all things together for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28).
If I want to finish well I must trust in Christ alone.
And I want to finish well for His glory alone.
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