This October 1 marks five years since I nearly lost my life.
My Briella Bean was only ten days old and had it not been for my mother-in-law attempting to wake me from a nap I would not be here today. There are so many perspectives of that day from those around me. From a friend who did my paperwork at the local hospital, to the doctor on duty that day, from those who can tell me exactly where they were and what they were doing when they found out I was being shipped out on flight for life. I enjoy hearing this story from their perspective because I begin to understand how much they care for me.
That's one reason I'm glad I hemorrhaged.
The main reason, however, goes much deeper. Before Brielle was born I struggled with wanting to be in control, down to the very minute of her birth. I wanted everything to go a certain way. I believed a natural delivery was the only way to go and I wrote about it in such strong language that I now see it as a pride issue. As I reviewed posts written before the birth of my first child, I was so ashamed of this person writing and posting and sharing these words, that I had to take a break from blogging and determine whether or not this was something I should continue.
I truly believe God used this incident to humble me.
I do not like the person I was five years ago, or even ten years ago before the gospel came alive for me and changed me. Thankfully, God has done a marvelous work in my heart. He continues to work in me and I've realized that the biggest growth, the times when I'm drawn closest to Himself, is in times of pain and heartache.
Seven units of blood,
Two units of plasma,
One flight for life,
One ambulance ride,
Two surgeries later,
Five years of reflection,
Countless perspectives shared,
One amazing learning experience,
And I am incredibly thankful that I hemorrhaged.
It was painful, but through it I learned that God does not waste pain. He used it to draw me closer to Himself and there is no greater purpose than that. For that is why Christ died. It wasn't just to save His own from the hell we all deserve. He died so that His own will spend an eternity with God. While we walk this earth as Christ did, we cannot - we will not - evade the cross. If we, "take up our cross and follow Jesus" (Matthew 10:38) we too will suffer. For how can we call ourselves followers otherwise? To take up our cross means certain death. Death to self. Alive to Christ. And while our faith remains faith, until the day our faith becomes sight, be thankful in sorrow. Find the joy of putting Jesus first, others second, yourself last - especially in hard times. Be glad in suffering.
For it is in suffering that I learned more about myself and who I am in Christ.
Here's something you must know. Being glad for an experience does not take away the hardness of it. It defines your identity. It solidifies what you believe. Pain draws you closer to God as you wait for that glorious day when you finally shed the weight of pain and peer fearlessly into the eyes of your Creator.
Be glad for pain, even as you weep.
My Briella Bean was only ten days old and had it not been for my mother-in-law attempting to wake me from a nap I would not be here today. There are so many perspectives of that day from those around me. From a friend who did my paperwork at the local hospital, to the doctor on duty that day, from those who can tell me exactly where they were and what they were doing when they found out I was being shipped out on flight for life. I enjoy hearing this story from their perspective because I begin to understand how much they care for me.
That's one reason I'm glad I hemorrhaged.
The main reason, however, goes much deeper. Before Brielle was born I struggled with wanting to be in control, down to the very minute of her birth. I wanted everything to go a certain way. I believed a natural delivery was the only way to go and I wrote about it in such strong language that I now see it as a pride issue. As I reviewed posts written before the birth of my first child, I was so ashamed of this person writing and posting and sharing these words, that I had to take a break from blogging and determine whether or not this was something I should continue.
I truly believe God used this incident to humble me.
I do not like the person I was five years ago, or even ten years ago before the gospel came alive for me and changed me. Thankfully, God has done a marvelous work in my heart. He continues to work in me and I've realized that the biggest growth, the times when I'm drawn closest to Himself, is in times of pain and heartache.
Seven units of blood,
Two units of plasma,
One flight for life,
One ambulance ride,
Two surgeries later,
Five years of reflection,
Countless perspectives shared,
One amazing learning experience,
And I am incredibly thankful that I hemorrhaged.
It was painful, but through it I learned that God does not waste pain. He used it to draw me closer to Himself and there is no greater purpose than that. For that is why Christ died. It wasn't just to save His own from the hell we all deserve. He died so that His own will spend an eternity with God. While we walk this earth as Christ did, we cannot - we will not - evade the cross. If we, "take up our cross and follow Jesus" (Matthew 10:38) we too will suffer. For how can we call ourselves followers otherwise? To take up our cross means certain death. Death to self. Alive to Christ. And while our faith remains faith, until the day our faith becomes sight, be thankful in sorrow. Find the joy of putting Jesus first, others second, yourself last - especially in hard times. Be glad in suffering.
For it is in suffering that I learned more about myself and who I am in Christ.
Here's something you must know. Being glad for an experience does not take away the hardness of it. It defines your identity. It solidifies what you believe. Pain draws you closer to God as you wait for that glorious day when you finally shed the weight of pain and peer fearlessly into the eyes of your Creator.
Be glad for pain, even as you weep.
Thanks, Becky. I dealt with pain for several years during the death and wreckage of Evan's marriage. I was in pain because my son was in agony. I was in pain because my daughter-in-law was not taking care of my boyos. This was reflected in my everyday outlook, and on my negative comments, criticism, and physical pain. Thankfully, the Lord turned my thinking around to the fact that Ev was placed in those boys' lives for a reason. I had to accept that I was not in control of his life, and Evan had a different path to take than what we had thought. Through all of this, the weight of pain HAS been shed, and we do not regret a moment of what has come to pass. The Lord knows what he is doing in all things.
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